Thanks to The Winter Tinderer for giving me the platform to talk my nonsense : ) The subject is multiple dating and there seems to be a split down the middle of what people are comfortable doing, I wouldn’t judge anyone either way, but I’m happy to date others at the same time and I’ll give you my thoughts behind why.
First a little background on my dating experience, just so you know a little more about me. I am 37 years old and there has been four relationships in my life so far. Three of those lasted less than a year, with my longest lasting just under 3, which means for the majority ofmy life I have been single and dating. Sometimes its been fun, sometimes exhausting (not in the fun way), I’ve had patches of being a serial dater but also spent months being completely uninterested in meeting anyone new. Some people are lucky in finding love, for the rest of us it is a test of patience and faith!
So why am I comfortable dating multiple people? Well, the whole point of me dating is to find that one person that I’m hopefully going to build something special with. This process requires me to be in the presence of someone, I need to spend time with them to see how I feel, I need a connection. There have been many times I’ve matched with someone who has been attractive, seemed kind and funny and ticked my other boxes, only to meet and feel zero chemistry and just not click well. So taking other options off the table while I chat online with someone just doesn’t make any sense to me. Ive been burnt too many times becoming invested without meeting someone for it to never materialise. My advice is always meet up as soon as you’recomfortably able to!
There are plenty of things you won’t know about someone until youspend time with them. Don’t forget what you’re dating for, to find someone to share your life with, they need to fit into that and you theirs. How do they treat others while out with you, does your humour match? do they change after a drink? Can you comfortably chill with them for a day and night? Does anything about them irritate you? Do you match up in the bedroom? Can they make a decent cup of tea? All important questions and sometimes it takes a few dates for someone to show who they really are. Some people still play games, some pretend to be something they’re not. You need that time in person together.
The problem today is that online dating is fast paced. You can match with 3 or 4 people over the weekend and you can find multiple people attractive who have similar interests and seem to match with what you’re looking for. Can you risk missing out on someone special because you’ve agreed to another date with someone else? After all, a date doesn’t mean you’re committed, its literally two people sharing a drink, a meal or an activity together. As long as no promises have been made and you’ve had no talks of being exclusive then you are not doing anything wrong. Are those other matches going to sit and wait for 3 or 4 weeks while you go on a few dates with someone else? Probably not.
Another big factor is, I’m not getting any younger. I hate to sound like a school teacher but the older you get the quicker it goes, and there’s nothing worse than wasted time on the wrong person. And in any case, chances are after 2 or 3 dates you will have seen enough to know if you’re compatible or not. In my experience the answer is usually a no and so then you move forward, no harm done, you’ve given it a chance and found the answer to your questions and the search goes on. Its not often you find the needle in the haystack the first time you look!
I say date freely and plenty, it is good to meet new people and have new conversations. When that one person comes along you will know, you will be drawn to them and any interest in others will naturally fade. This is the point where you stop dating and invest your time insomeone that you can hopefully build something with. And If you are multiple dating and after some time don’t find yourself naturally moving towards one then none are the one for you, no matter how much fun it might be to date them, or what individual qualities they have.
So until you get that magnetic pull, the unexplainable feeling of wanting to be around that one person, get out there and enjoy yourself…staying alert, and safe. Obvs
Thanks to Paul for his blog! For more from Paul, go follow him on twitter @PaulMHaccount.